Government Up and Running Again After 37 Years


Kate Finman

Congressmen Buck Bumer and Baul Byan were at a great disagreement over what to have for dinner. Although the problem has been resolved after over three decades, negotiations over next week’s meals begin tomorrow.

Kate Meyers, Girls Sports Editor

The government is dusting off the cobwebs after being shut down for 37 years over their vehement disagreement over what should be had for dinner.

The Democrats were adamant about making Mexican or Chinese take-out an option for the menu, but the Republicans insisted that everyone only eat American hot dogs, hamburgers, and pizza for the rest of their lives.

However, a major mistake was made by the Republicans. What they failed to remember is that hamburgers and hot dogs come from Germany, and pizza comes from Italy, not American foods. Not one food, besides pumpkins, are even one hundred percent American.

“No! We can’t have these foods of different cultures in our America; they pose threats to our people! Not to mention, they’re taking attention and business away from the American food places! What will happen to McDonalds and Pizza Hut?” argued Carl Conservative.

We can’t have these foods of different cultures in our America; they pose threats to our people!”

— Carl Conservative

“They’re bringing their noodles, we could choke on them! They’re bringing their salsa; our mouths could BURN!”  said Ronald Rump.

Baul Bryan continues to lack a spine or an ability to form his own opinions, claiming “that’s not really what he said, it doesn’t have to be interpreted that way” when asked about his thoughts on Ronald Rump’s insensitive statements about multi-cultural foods.

The Democrats knew the Republicans wanted dessert, and offered bringing chocolate cake or even ice cream in exchange for the ability to order dinner from anywhere, but the Republicans refused to compromise.

In fact, they tried to force the Democrats to bring dessert without giving them any new menu options.

The Democrats stood their ground, Lucy Liberal said “We refuse to bring the dessert unless we’re allowed to bring in food as we please. This isn’t fair!”

Many resolutions were “brought to the table” and rejected. Each side tried to make sacrifices, but, for 37 years, none were good enough for to fix America’s crisis.

Eventually, Ronald Rump was overruled, and both sides agreed to talk about ordering from different restaurants. The Democrats will not be forced to bring the dessert: if the Republicans want dessert, they’re going to have to get their own but for now, the government is back up and running.