Long-Term

“It was when I stopped searching for home within others
and lifted the foundations of home within myself
I found there were no roots more intimate
than those between a mind and body
that have decided to be whole.”
― Rupi Kaur

Art by McKenzie M

Whenever senior Zoe Brooks* feels like she’s losing her identity, she looks at this poem. For her, it serves as a reminder that “you need to be comfortable with yourself before you can go into a relationship.”

The last couple of years have been tough as Zoe experienced the highs and lows of her first long term relationships. She dated her first boyfriend for about six and a half months. Even though the relationship was fulfilling, it was clear to Zoe that her partner had become emotionally abusive and was only invested in the sexual aspects of the relationship.

“For him it wasn’t his first girlfriend but for me it was my first boyfriend–my first everything basically,” said Brooks. “It hurts, but I don’t regret any of it because it’s definitely a lesson to learn from and in my relationship now I am a lot stronger and it’s a lot stronger of a relationship, and it’s very balanced.”

Zoe learned the importance of putting herself first and not being afraid to speak out if she didn’t feel comfortable or if there wasn’t consent involved.

“A big part about young relationships is that a lot of girls and guys both get so wrapped up in the moment and get so fearful about what the other one is thinking that they forget if they’re okay with what’s going on, and they want to please the other person and make that person happy because at that point in time you’re young and that person is your whole world,” said Brooks.

In Zoe’s past relationship she felt it became so much about the sex that the emotional aspect and respecting each other’s boundaries became secondary. There was a lot she wasn’t comfortable with, but didn’t communicate and simply followed along with out of fear he wouldn’t love her anymore and break up with her. This eventually led to doing things she had not consented to.

“I didn’t say anything because I was too scared that person wasn’t going to like me or was going to breakup with me. At that time they were my whole world, and I lost myself in them,” said Brooks. “In this relationship, I definitely communicate and it’s honest. It makes a relationship go a lot smoother.”

Another factor that led Zoe to realize her relationship was problematic, and possibly abusive, was when she lost her sense of identity. At first she was blind to the issue, but after being confronted by her mom, her friends, and her family, she had a wake up call and decided it was time to end the relationship.

“I started to realize it because I was told I couldn’t wear certain clothing by my significant other, and I was told not to do certain things. Having boundaries is very healthy in a relationship and if you kind of feel off about something you need to be able to talk about that, but being controlling over another person, that’s not okay,” said Brooks. “I’m a very outspoken person and in that relationship I lost myself. I lost that aspect of myself and I became very passive, and he became very aggressive. It wasn’t healthy.”

In order for any relationship to work, communication has to be honest and accurate, and both people need to be able to speak their mind while also being mature and civil. This includes communicating if you need some space or need to spend more time with friends and family.

“I think that’s very healthy, and if that person truly loves you, then they’ll recognize that, and they’ll be okay with it, and they’ll love and support you the entire way through it,” said Brooks.

Besides the immaturity, the biggest challenge for Zoe in high school relationships is finding the right balance between herself, her partner, school, extracurriculars, and work.

“I’ve definitely learned to make myself my own world and focus on myself first and need some space or need to spend more time with friends and family.

“I think that’s very healthy, and if that person truly loves you, then they’ll recognize that, and they’ll be okay with it, and they’ll love and support you the entire way through it,” said Brooks.

Besides the immaturity, the biggest challenge for Zoe in high school relationships is finding the right balance between herself, her partner, school, extracurriculars, and work.

“I’ve definitely learned to make myself my own world and focus on myself first and then the priorities and then the relationship and it’s kind of like like I’m the ice cream and the rest is just toppings, you know the relationship, athletics, academics– it all comes after myself.”

Similarly, in regards to sex, she believes the key thing is to be on the same page, so that if you’re going too slow or too fast, you can communicate and find the happy medium. This is especially important when having sex for the first time, and Zoe stresses how important it is to have conversations about it.

In the end, Zoe doesn’t regret anything that has happened in her relationships. Even though there were moments of pain and tough periods, there were also some of her best memories and happiest moments.

“You’ve got to go into a relationship thinking that in the end, if everything is said and done, you need to come out of that relationship mature and still okay with that other person and yourself,” said Brooks.

If you or a loved one is believed to be in an abusive relationship, call 1-800-799-7233 or visit http://www.thehotline.org/