Bisexual

Art by McKenzie M.

For bisexual 18-year old senior Kevin Landon*, sex started out as more of a shameful act than something enjoyable.

“This is actually an interesting story. It was with a friends-with-benefits at his house, prom night of last year. I did it instead of going to prom. It was kind of a weird experience. Like, it was fun, but it’s kind of weird going home at 2 a.m. reflecting like, ‘Oh, I did this instead of going to prom.’ I really shouldn’t have cared that much,” he said.

Almost a year later, Landon remains unsure if he regrets this decision. He claims it shaped who he is. Although he has supportive parents, his sexuality still troubled him.

“I felt bad for a long time. I used to hate myself for my sexuality. Which is dumb. No one should have to go through that because it’s something that you can’t control and anything that’s out of your control you shouldn’t worry over, especially if it’s not hurting somebody else,” said Landon.

His first partner made him feel comfortable for deviating from “the norm.” He was inspired by how open and confident the boy was about his sexuality and worked on emulating some of these characteristics.

However, he still encountered some stigma. As a bisexual male, Landon is often seen as in denial or unable to choose between men or women, which has been a point of contention in Landon’s life, especially when he was first exploring his sexuality. It is a common myth in society that there is a “so-called” percentage split of how much bisexual people are attracted to one gender over the other. Landon has mixed views about this. On one hand, it is correct in his experience, as it is not a 50/50 split. He generally prefers guys to girls. However, it still implies that there is a quantifiable number, which Landon says is not the case for him.

“I know it’s weird, but guys are way easier than girls. They want to f*** all the time,” he said.

He thinks this could be due to the greater stigma and shame against girls who have sex. He has never been shamed for not being a virgin.

For Landon, when engaging in soley hookups there’s no reason to be emotionally involved. For him, it was always easy to know his sexuality; if you find yourself innately attracted to someone then the logical conclusion is that you should label yourself accordingly. Emotional connection are not a priority for him, as long as everyone is safe.

While he is living under his parent’s roof, finding the means to have safe, open sex is difficult.
For this very reason, Landon has mostly had sex in a car.

“A lot in my car, actually. It used to be my old car, but luckily that’s been totalled. You don’t have to worry about getting into my car everybody!” he joked.

He isn’t frustrated with his parents or adults in general for restricting the means by which he can have sex.
“If I had a kid, I wouldn’t want to know anything about their sex life either. It’s totally understandable,” said Landon.

He has never told his parents explicitly about his sexual activity; however, he assumes they are aware.
“I think parents know what kids do that kids don’t tell parents,” he said.

Unlike his parents, most of Landon’s friends explicitly know. He has never experienced shame personally for not being a virgin. His bisexuality has been the biggest source of criticism in his life.

“I think there is a bit of a stigma. But, I don’t really care about stigma; and, if anybody invests in stigma or thinks that anyone is different because of their sexual preference, then I don’t need to deal with [them],” he said.

Landon’s sexual partners have only been people who respect him, or even love him for his identity.
“Girls are obsessed with gay guys in a non-romantic way. Gay guys are obsessed with straight guys in a sexual way. To them, I am half-straight. It’s weird and almost like a fetish,” said Landon.

Landon thinks there is too much pressure and hype for sex. For him, it can just be fun. He doesn’t necessarily need a special connection with his partner before or after.

“Don’t place too much or even any value or higher significance on it than what it is because if you get too worked up over, ‘Oh this is my first time. Is it going to be as good as I want it to be?’ then you are going to wind up disappointed,” he said.
For Landon, the first time someone has sex is just that: the first time of many. There is no pressure to get it to be “perfect.”