Gay

Art by McKenzie M.

For senior John Smith*, sex is way too overhyped.

“I feel like sex can just be a way of getting physical pleasure, like playing a sport. You get that release of endorphins. Sex can just be a physical need or to just satisfy yourself,” he said.

Smith is 17 years old and has been sexually active since the summer after his junior year. He and his first partner, who is now his ex-boyfriend, both thought in depth about the decision to consummate their relationship. The teenage boys had been dating for a couple months at the time.

“It’s built up to kind of more than it should be built up to. There’s this stigma around sex. It’s not everything it’s built up to be, personally. I don’t know if that’s just for gay people or if it’s different for heterosexuals,” said Smith.

Because of his sexuality, his biggest concern about having sex is contracting AIDs, due to the statistically high rates in the gay community. He strictly practices safe sex.

Consent and openness are also important for him.

“I always ask, ‘Are you comfortable with this?’ Sometimes it gets awkward when they are like ‘Yes, of course I am okay with this,’ but it’s better because I don’t want to feel like I am forcing anyone into anything,” said Smith.

For Smith, sex without complete honesty is the equivalent of not having consent.

“People can lie to get sex out of you,” he said.

He was once slept with a person who was in a relationship, unbeknownst to him. He still feels bad about it to this day.
Regret does not usually characterize Smith’s sexual experiences, but he has had a few unfortunate moments.

Over social media, he got a text from a boy who wanted to hook up. He went to a local hotel to meet him, and they ended up in bed together with another guy as well. Smith wasn’t into it, but he had an acceptable time, until they were disrupted.
The parents of one of the boys walked in; and, other than the expected awkwardness, one thing was immediately clear: he hadn’t come out of the closet yet.

Smith quickly left after; and, according to him, the act of sex is affected by whether someone has “come out” in public.
“There’s a lot of anxiety for both people involved. You can tell when you are doing it with someone who’s open that they are a lot more open-minded, carefree, and not as self-conscious about what they are doing. It’s a lot more relaxed; but, when you are doing it with someone who is closeted, there’s more tension and secrecy,” said Smith.

Coming out not only affects one’s sex life as they are in the act; it affects their access to partners as well. Coming out almost serves as a signal to the gay community that one is ready to date.

“Once you come out and have been in a relationship and done stuff with a guy, it gets around the gay community. I ignore a lot of guys because I just don’t want to have anything to do with them,” said Smith.

He mostly finds his partners and gets requests over social media and the internet.

Social media, especially Grindr and Tinder, are a huge part of their “hook-up society,” which is quite big in the gay community due to their limited dating pool, according to Smith.

There is even a “gay network” that spans Orange County.

“All the gays know all the gays and everybody has hooked up with everybody, unless you are not sexually active. All the gays follow all the gays on social media. Everyone has a Grindr account, everybody just like hooks up with everybody. Him and I will be like, ‘Have you seen this guy?’ and it’s like, ‘Oh yeah I hooked up with him a while ago,’ and it’s just like a weird network,” said Smith.

Another obstacle in the sex lives of gay people, other than the limited dating pool, is the confusion over virginity. For a gay person, when they lose their virginity is completely subjective because the traditional image involves heterosexual intercourse.
Smith didn’t realize that he wasn’t a virgin until after a few times having sex.

“I actually had an argument with one of my friends about this. He thinks virginity is like the first time you have sex, and I agree: that’s the societal definition. For me, I think virginity is kind of like experience. Once you have sex with a certain amount of people, not just one time. Then, you are truly experienced sexually with different people, different tastes. Inexperience can also equate to virginity. You can have sex and not be experienced sexually,” said Smith.

Virginity is precious and beautiful for Smith, though.

“I perceive virginity to be respectable because once you’re not a virgin, the sex loses that special kind of stigma when you end up having sex. I feel like virginity is, not like ‘Virginity is cool,’ but I think virginity isn’t something that kids should hate or want to get rid of or anything. It is something that they should be proud of because it shows a sense of control, like they are not just going to put themself out there for anyone just to say they are not a virgin,” said Smith.