Olivia Johnson

Olivia Johnson’s life, like countless others, has drastically been altered by suicide, for her father killed himself when she was just in middle school. Olivia grew up in Nebraska with her father and mother. Her father was a severe functioning alcoholic, and when Olivia was twelve her parents divorced.

As Olivia grew up she began to realize that her father was ill. While their relationship remained strong, alcohol was still the center of her father’s world, Olivia describes that “he would drink just to feel okay, and get sick if he didn’t.”

She recounts that in rehab, “He looked like he had died inside, his eyes were empty because not only did he lose his wife, the alcohol had caused him to lose his job, and he was at rock bottom”.

At the time, Olivia’s mom was considering a move to California because of her husband’s erratic behavior. Finally, the threats and excessive drinking resulted in a permanent move.

Mr. Johnson’s first attempt to end his life was when Olivia’s mom handed him divorce papers. Olivia was home alone with her dad and he was behaving belligerently, drunk, in the living room insisting that she must stay in her room. He reminded her that he loved her, and if she heard fireworks to sleep through it.

Saving him an hour later from self-harm injuries that could have ended his life, Olivia was so scared of what her father had really become.

After his failed suicide attempt Olivia’s father sunk into a deeper depression and lost the custody battle for Olivia. He moved back in with his parents while Olivia and her mother made a permanent home in California.

Olivia was able to find a way to forgive her father, but was scared of the person he was. Daily phone calls and visits over Christmas break, she and her father formed a healthy long-distance relationship. Despite finding employment, he remained extremely depressed and the emptiness in his eyes never really appeared to be filled. Olivia was starting a new life in California, and her communication with her father began to decline.

Olivia’s birthday came around and while she was in school, she missed a call from her father. Unknown to her, there wouldn’t be an answer when she called him back. He texted her, “Be the big fish in the pond, don’t forget me, I love and will miss you”. Reading it in a different tense than he had intended, Olivia didn’t reply right away. Later that night she attempted to contact him, but there was no answer.

Coming home from Olivia’s birthday dinner, her mother got a life-changing phone call. Olivia’s mother explained that her father fatally shot himself at the Memorial Park located in her hometown in Nebraska.

She grew up in Memorial Park, that was their spot, he pushed her on the swings there. He left a note for her that said, “I’m sorry I let you down, Olivia. My possessions remain with you; make me proud big fish all my love, Dad.”

”I can’t even tell you the emotions I went through,” Olivia said.

Olivia further elaborated on the huge amount of grief and heartbreak she felt, for she even denied his death and grieved for a long time before achieving acceptance.

She admits to being stuck in the fourth stage of grief, bargaining, and and reveals that she said, “God I will never sin again, will you bring him back.”

While she learned a lot from counseling there is no full recovery, and she misses her father everyday. For Olivia, “suicide is the most selfish thing a person could ever do.”

Through friends Olivia made a family of her own, and that “friends that I can count on more than blood,” are what really saved her.

From this tragedy, Olivia has an insight and a perspective that enables her to aid others in similar situations. It has allowed her to mature, but no matter what her father’s suicide  continues to challenge her conscious and mood on a daily basis.