“It was when I stopped searching for home within others
and lifted the foundations of home within myself
I found there were no roots more intimate
than those between a mind and body
that have decided to be whole.”
― Rupi Kaur

Art by McKenzie M

Whenever senior Zoe Brooks* feels like she’s losing her identity, she looks at this poem. For her, it serves as a reminder that “you need to be comfortable with yourself before you can go into a relationship.”

The last couple of years have been tough as Zoe experienced the highs and lows of her first long term relationships. She dated her first boyfriend for about six and a half months. Even though the relationship was fulfilling, it was clear to Zoe that her partner had become emotionally abusive and was only invested in the sexual aspects of the relationship.

“For him it wasn’t his first girlfriend but for me it was my first boyfriend–my first everything basically,” said Brooks. “It hurts, but I don’t regret any of it because it’s definitely a lesson to learn from and in my relationship now I am a lot stronger and it’s a lot stronger of a relationship, and it’s very balanced.”

Zoe learned the importance of putting herself first and not being afraid to speak out if she didn’t feel comfortable or if there wasn’t consent involved.

“A big part about young relationships is that a lot of girls and guys both get so wrapped up in the moment and get so fearful about what the other one is thinking that they forget if they’re okay with what’s going on, and they want to please the other person and make that person happy because at that point in time you’re young and that person is your whole world,” said Brooks.

In Zoe’s past relationship she felt it became so much about the sex that the emotional aspect and respecting each other’s boundaries became secondary. There was a lot she wasn’t comfortable with, but didn’t communicate and simply followed along with out of fear he wouldn’t love her anymore and break up with her. This eventually led to doing things she had not consented to.

“I didn’t say anything because I was too scared that person wasn’t going to like me or was going to breakup with me. At that time they were my whole world, and I lost myself in them,” said Brooks. “In this relationship, I definitely communicate and it’s honest. It makes a relationship go a lot smoother.”

Another factor that led Zoe to realize her relationship was problematic, and possibly abusive, was when she lost her sense of identity. At first she was blind to the issue, but after being confronted by her mom, her friends, and her family, she had a wake up call and decided it was time to end the relationship.

“I started to realize it because I was told I couldn’t wear certain clothing by my significant other, and I was told not to do certain things. Having boundaries is very healthy in a relationship and if you kind of feel off about something you need to be able to talk about that, but being controlling over another person, that’s not okay,” said Brooks. “I’m a very outspoken person and in that relationship I lost myself. I lost that aspect of myself and I became very passive, and he became very aggressive. It wasn’t healthy.”

In order for any relationship to work, communication has to be honest and accurate, and both people need to be able to speak their mind while also being mature and civil. This includes communicating if you need some space or need to spend more time with friends and family.

“I think that’s very healthy, and if that person truly loves you, then they’ll recognize that, and they’ll be okay with it, and they’ll love and support you the entire way through it,” said Brooks.

Besides the immaturity, the biggest challenge for Zoe in high school relationships is finding the right balance between herself, her partner, school, extracurriculars, and work.

“I’ve definitely learned to make myself my own world and focus on myself first and need some space or need to spend more time with friends and family.

“I think that’s very healthy, and if that person truly loves you, then they’ll recognize that, and they’ll be okay with it, and they’ll love and support you the entire way through it,” said Brooks.

Besides the immaturity, the biggest challenge for Zoe in high school relationships is finding the right balance between herself, her partner, school, extracurriculars, and work.

“I’ve definitely learned to make myself my own world and focus on myself first and then the priorities and then the relationship and it’s kind of like like I’m the ice cream and the rest is just toppings, you know the relationship, athletics, academics– it all comes after myself.”

Similarly, in regards to sex, she believes the key thing is to be on the same page, so that if you’re going too slow or too fast, you can communicate and find the happy medium. This is especially important when having sex for the first time, and Zoe stresses how important it is to have conversations about it.

In the end, Zoe doesn’t regret anything that has happened in her relationships. Even though there were moments of pain and tough periods, there were also some of her best memories and happiest moments.

“You’ve got to go into a relationship thinking that in the end, if everything is said and done, you need to come out of that relationship mature and still okay with that other person and yourself,” said Brooks.

If you or a loved one is believed to be in an abusive relationship, call 1-800-799-7233 or visit http://www.thehotline.org/

Art by McKenzie M.

For senior John Smith*, sex is way too overhyped.

“I feel like sex can just be a way of getting physical pleasure, like playing a sport. You get that release of endorphins. Sex can just be a physical need or to just satisfy yourself,” he said.

Smith is 17 years old and has been sexually active since the summer after his junior year. He and his first partner, who is now his ex-boyfriend, both thought in depth about the decision to consummate their relationship. The teenage boys had been dating for a couple months at the time.

“It’s built up to kind of more than it should be built up to. There’s this stigma around sex. It’s not everything it’s built up to be, personally. I don’t know if that’s just for gay people or if it’s different for heterosexuals,” said Smith.

Because of his sexuality, his biggest concern about having sex is contracting AIDs, due to the statistically high rates in the gay community. He strictly practices safe sex.

Consent and openness are also important for him.

“I always ask, ‘Are you comfortable with this?’ Sometimes it gets awkward when they are like ‘Yes, of course I am okay with this,’ but it’s better because I don’t want to feel like I am forcing anyone into anything,” said Smith.

For Smith, sex without complete honesty is the equivalent of not having consent.

“People can lie to get sex out of you,” he said.

He was once slept with a person who was in a relationship, unbeknownst to him. He still feels bad about it to this day.
Regret does not usually characterize Smith’s sexual experiences, but he has had a few unfortunate moments.

Over social media, he got a text from a boy who wanted to hook up. He went to a local hotel to meet him, and they ended up in bed together with another guy as well. Smith wasn’t into it, but he had an acceptable time, until they were disrupted.
The parents of one of the boys walked in; and, other than the expected awkwardness, one thing was immediately clear: he hadn’t come out of the closet yet.

Smith quickly left after; and, according to him, the act of sex is affected by whether someone has “come out” in public.
“There’s a lot of anxiety for both people involved. You can tell when you are doing it with someone who’s open that they are a lot more open-minded, carefree, and not as self-conscious about what they are doing. It’s a lot more relaxed; but, when you are doing it with someone who is closeted, there’s more tension and secrecy,” said Smith.

Coming out not only affects one’s sex life as they are in the act; it affects their access to partners as well. Coming out almost serves as a signal to the gay community that one is ready to date.

“Once you come out and have been in a relationship and done stuff with a guy, it gets around the gay community. I ignore a lot of guys because I just don’t want to have anything to do with them,” said Smith.

He mostly finds his partners and gets requests over social media and the internet.

Social media, especially Grindr and Tinder, are a huge part of their “hook-up society,” which is quite big in the gay community due to their limited dating pool, according to Smith.

There is even a “gay network” that spans Orange County.

“All the gays know all the gays and everybody has hooked up with everybody, unless you are not sexually active. All the gays follow all the gays on social media. Everyone has a Grindr account, everybody just like hooks up with everybody. Him and I will be like, ‘Have you seen this guy?’ and it’s like, ‘Oh yeah I hooked up with him a while ago,’ and it’s just like a weird network,” said Smith.

Another obstacle in the sex lives of gay people, other than the limited dating pool, is the confusion over virginity. For a gay person, when they lose their virginity is completely subjective because the traditional image involves heterosexual intercourse.
Smith didn’t realize that he wasn’t a virgin until after a few times having sex.

“I actually had an argument with one of my friends about this. He thinks virginity is like the first time you have sex, and I agree: that’s the societal definition. For me, I think virginity is kind of like experience. Once you have sex with a certain amount of people, not just one time. Then, you are truly experienced sexually with different people, different tastes. Inexperience can also equate to virginity. You can have sex and not be experienced sexually,” said Smith.

Virginity is precious and beautiful for Smith, though.

“I perceive virginity to be respectable because once you’re not a virgin, the sex loses that special kind of stigma when you end up having sex. I feel like virginity is, not like ‘Virginity is cool,’ but I think virginity isn’t something that kids should hate or want to get rid of or anything. It is something that they should be proud of because it shows a sense of control, like they are not just going to put themself out there for anyone just to say they are not a virgin,” said Smith.

Art by McKenzie M.

For bisexual 18-year old senior Kevin Landon*, sex started out as more of a shameful act than something enjoyable.

“This is actually an interesting story. It was with a friends-with-benefits at his house, prom night of last year. I did it instead of going to prom. It was kind of a weird experience. Like, it was fun, but it’s kind of weird going home at 2 a.m. reflecting like, ‘Oh, I did this instead of going to prom.’ I really shouldn’t have cared that much,” he said.

Almost a year later, Landon remains unsure if he regrets this decision. He claims it shaped who he is. Although he has supportive parents, his sexuality still troubled him.

“I felt bad for a long time. I used to hate myself for my sexuality. Which is dumb. No one should have to go through that because it’s something that you can’t control and anything that’s out of your control you shouldn’t worry over, especially if it’s not hurting somebody else,” said Landon.

His first partner made him feel comfortable for deviating from “the norm.” He was inspired by how open and confident the boy was about his sexuality and worked on emulating some of these characteristics.

However, he still encountered some stigma. As a bisexual male, Landon is often seen as in denial or unable to choose between men or women, which has been a point of contention in Landon’s life, especially when he was first exploring his sexuality. It is a common myth in society that there is a “so-called” percentage split of how much bisexual people are attracted to one gender over the other. Landon has mixed views about this. On one hand, it is correct in his experience, as it is not a 50/50 split. He generally prefers guys to girls. However, it still implies that there is a quantifiable number, which Landon says is not the case for him.

“I know it’s weird, but guys are way easier than girls. They want to f*** all the time,” he said.

He thinks this could be due to the greater stigma and shame against girls who have sex. He has never been shamed for not being a virgin.

For Landon, when engaging in soley hookups there’s no reason to be emotionally involved. For him, it was always easy to know his sexuality; if you find yourself innately attracted to someone then the logical conclusion is that you should label yourself accordingly. Emotional connection are not a priority for him, as long as everyone is safe.

While he is living under his parent’s roof, finding the means to have safe, open sex is difficult.
For this very reason, Landon has mostly had sex in a car.

“A lot in my car, actually. It used to be my old car, but luckily that’s been totalled. You don’t have to worry about getting into my car everybody!” he joked.

He isn’t frustrated with his parents or adults in general for restricting the means by which he can have sex.
“If I had a kid, I wouldn’t want to know anything about their sex life either. It’s totally understandable,” said Landon.

He has never told his parents explicitly about his sexual activity; however, he assumes they are aware.
“I think parents know what kids do that kids don’t tell parents,” he said.

Unlike his parents, most of Landon’s friends explicitly know. He has never experienced shame personally for not being a virgin. His bisexuality has been the biggest source of criticism in his life.

“I think there is a bit of a stigma. But, I don’t really care about stigma; and, if anybody invests in stigma or thinks that anyone is different because of their sexual preference, then I don’t need to deal with [them],” he said.

Landon’s sexual partners have only been people who respect him, or even love him for his identity.
“Girls are obsessed with gay guys in a non-romantic way. Gay guys are obsessed with straight guys in a sexual way. To them, I am half-straight. It’s weird and almost like a fetish,” said Landon.

Landon thinks there is too much pressure and hype for sex. For him, it can just be fun. He doesn’t necessarily need a special connection with his partner before or after.

“Don’t place too much or even any value or higher significance on it than what it is because if you get too worked up over, ‘Oh this is my first time. Is it going to be as good as I want it to be?’ then you are going to wind up disappointed,” he said.
For Landon, the first time someone has sex is just that: the first time of many. There is no pressure to get it to be “perfect.”

Art by McKenzie M.

One of the most common fears about being sexually active is unplanned pregnancy, especially for teens. Horror stories of teen girls having to give up their education and young life to raise a child are all too common in the media, from television shows, news articles, movies, and even books.

For many sexually active girls, including Sarah*, the possibility of getting pregnant is a constant fear. Despite using “the pill,” there is still always a tiny inkling of fear in the back of her mind.

“As a female, especially at a young age, when you’re sexually active, it’s something you always worry about…I’m a very dramatic person so my period will be late one day and I’ll think ‘oh my god that’s it I’m pregnant,’ even if I’m not. You overhype it, because it’s such a big deal, but then it turns out to be nothing,” said Sarah.

Sarah became sexually active when she was 15 years old, and at the beginning was terrified of becoming pregnant. She would immediately assume the worst. She’s very open with her boyfriend about her fears and has told him every time she has had a scare.

“I’ve told my boyfriend every single time, and he’s gotten over it by now, he knows it’s nothing. But at the beginning it obviously scared him. Talking about that with someone is nerve wracking. Obviously it’s good to talk about it, but when it could be his baby too, obviously he gets concerned and worried,” said Sarah.

For her, the fear of teen pregnancy doesn’t make her rethink her decision to be sexually active. It’s more of an afterthought.
“When you’re in the moment, you don’t think about that. It’s afterwards is when you think about it,” said Sarah.

She said that if she ever turned out to be pregnant, she would probably get an abortion. She explained how she doesn’t think she could deal with the immense toll pregnancy takes on a person’s life and knows she isn’t fit to be a mother yet.

“I’d be the worst mother in the world right now, and my boyfriend isn’t ready to be a father. Also I don’t think you should be embarrassed to say ‘I need to do what’s best for myself and what’s best for my life.’ As a woman in today’s society and past society you’re expected to be unselfish and do everything for everyone else,” she said.

Sarah isn’t alone as a sexually active teenager. The average woman loses her virginity at 17 years old. She advises to only become sexually active when you personally feel ready and to only have sex with someone you know well and trust.

“Get on birth control for sure if you’re having sex, or use condoms. Be responsible and be safe. I’m safe, I’m just dramatic. Don’t worry too much and let it take over your life. If you’re being safe and using contraceptives the odds are so small, but they’re still there so be careful,” said Sarah.

The lack of in-depth sexual education in American schools, coupled with the taboo surrounding teenagers and sex is the cause of high teenage pregnancy rates in the US. Sarah took sexual education middle school, and felt it was lacking in useful information about safe sex. She took health over the summer and says that that class didn’t have a comprehensive sex-ed portion.

“I feel sex-ed [in midle school] was really lacking…they really preach abstinence if talking about sex at all,” Sarah said.

According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, comprehensive sex education has shown to lower the amount of teen pregnancy, not increase the risk of teenagers being sexually active. Abstinence only programs are not only inaccurate, but dangerous for today’s teens. A lack of education does not decrease the amount of teens having sex, it only puts them more at risk to not use protection, spreading STD’s and causing unplanned pregnancies.

“If you’re responsible enough be having sex you should be responsible enough to educate yourself…there is some responsibility for schools, but then again I mean there’s Google now, so there’s no excuse to not be educated,” Sarah said.

Art by McKenzie M.

A relationship is defined as the emotional and sexual connection of two people; however, today, the the actions that constitute a relationship can mean so many different things.

Growing up in a very religious and strong household Clarine* was taught the importance of saving sex for marriage and so when she started dating Bill* freshman year she made sure that that value still held true.

“We talked when we first started dating, we just set down ground rules … and we both agreed that since we are both so religious that it would be best if we didn’t have sex,” said Clarine.

Religion was the main factor behind their decision to abstain, but they also prefer to focus on strengthening their emotional connection to one another. “My religious values dictate that [sex] should only be between married couples,” said Bill.

Some conflict among peers has come from their decision but the couple will not waver from their core beliefs. “Often people will ask me if I’ve ‘scored that’ or they tell me I should ‘tap that,’ but once I tell them about my religious beliefs they back off,” said Bill.

Throughout the obstacles they have faced in their two year long relationship Bill and Clarine find comfort in each other and how strong their emotional connection is.

“He’s like my best friend so we hang out all the time and… I just love spending time with him because he’s such a great person,” said Clarine.

As they struggle with their decision they remember the ramifications early sex has. “I have friends who do have sex and I think that it stresses them out a lot because they’re always worried that they are pregnant or ‘oh my gosh what if he leaves me and we’ve had sex’ so I think it just causes unnecessary stress for a high school relationship,” said Clarine.

The couple is mature enough to know that the choice is for them to make, and they believe that, in order to have a safe and special first time, by saving themselves for marriage they will prosper.

“God is in our body and our bodies are His temple so if we let someone disrespect His temple it’s just not right,” said Clarine.
The couple has no regrets or doubts for abstaining and are very willing to wait to explore the sexual side of their relationship until ready.

First things first, let’s address a disclaimer: virginity, the concept of not having sexual experience in the mundane sense, is a true concept.
The problem with virginity is the stigma that surrounds it and how that has become an impediment on coming-of-age and embracing sensuality.
Virginity used to only concern unmarried women because it determined their “suitability” to marry men. Here we find the sexist roots of the V-card that objectify women as a prize for unmarried men.
The problems with this idea are endless– hello sexism and heteronormativity. But essentially, the main problem with the concept of virginity is the negative culture created from being a virgin for too long.
Teens are growing up thinking they must lose their virginity before they are out of high school.
Any concept that shames youths for having or not having sex is detrimental. The culture of slut-shaming derives from a mindset that challenges teens regardless of actual sexual experience.
Breakfast Club, a film released in 1985, is famously quoted by our oh-so-relatable high school freak: “Well, if you say you haven’t, you’re a prude. If you say you have you’re a slut. It’s a trap. You want to but you can’t, and when you do you wish you didn’t, right?”
Virginity is caging in young girls who feel like they have to make quick decisions about their bodies or they will be criticized. Unfortunately, the problem doesn’t stop there. This shame culture also applies to young men. Although men are usually congratulated for dropping the “V,” if they don’t by a certain time, again stereotypes fall hard on their shoulders.
Women are either ridiculed for having sex too early (cue the slew of slut shaming names) or idealized far beyond attainability for creating a perfect model of chastity if they wait until marriage.
Many people credit religion as the motivator for abstinence until the wedding night, but how could everyone expect two people to enter a marriage– assuming it will last– and plan to remain faithful to only them without exploring a part of their relationship beforehand?
Yes, sex should not be the main reason for love or matrimony, but it is a healthy part of most relationships.This is no way suggesting that marriage cannot be healthy or prosperous without sex; asexual relationships and marriages are as valid as they are existent.
Modern day relationships should be moving away from tradionality– the stigma of moving in with a partner and exploring physical parts of relationships before marrying, needs to go.
Although abstinence until marriage for religious or moral reasons is completely acceptable, the stigma that if you don’t wait then you are impure is as toxic as it is normalized.
Here’s a fact: hymens do not determine virginity. If you are unfamiliar with that term, a hymen is thin membrane that partially closes the opening to the vagina. This iswhere we get the term “pop your cherry.” Despite common belief, a woman can break her hymen without the insertion of genitals or others items for sexual activities and can still be a virgin.
Many young women break their hymen before their menstrual cycle begins from sports like horseback riding, biking, or water skiing. Commonly, a hymen breaks when inserting a tampon.
Losing your virginity is usually viewed in a heteronormative light– this leaves the LGBT community left questioning in the dust.
In a society where we need to quantify our “first time,” people struggle with really identifying this when losing it only means a certain thing inserting into another. What about all the other ways? Who is to tell you what counts and what doesn’t?
Here lies the underlying issue: virginity is viewed as an exclusive virtue to protect and give to one opposite gendered person on a very special day, but that is not cutting it for all those not conforming.
Now is the time for acceptance of any sexual experimentation and experiences at any stage in someone’s life with any one they choose. As long as both parties are consenting, mutually benefitting, and understand the potential ramifications of their choices, then sex is okay.
The sex-positive movement is escaping the confines of chastity belts and objectifying women and is accepting of everyone’s choice about sex to create a safe, inclusive and judgement-free environment.

There is no way to be correct. No matter what a woman does, she is going to be criticized for it. Even as women are starting to be more empowered and encouraged to embrace their sexualities, slut shaming and prude shaming still is rife within our society. Simply put, we are dangerously stuck in the past.
Society is wrong, and it is tragic. The way we present our bodies does not give others the right to judge who we are on the inside. This idea also perpetuates misogynistic and sexist core beliefs.
Society has given women two labels: Slut or prude. There is simply no inbetween. We give these labels the power to make us feel dirty or ashamed, but this must come to an end. We, as human beings, are better than that.
Slut shaming is a society’s way of punishing a woman by labelling her “out-of-control” or “lacking self control,” especially when it comes to their sexual choices and experiences.
Most women have been slut shamed. Whether it’s for kissing too many boys or wearing a slightly revealing top, there is truly no way for a woman to do something right.
There’s always a number, a number which we let define us and others. The number of how many people someone has kissed, the number of how many people someone has slept with, the list goes on and on.
Everyone has a different idea of the “perfect number.” However, there is no perfect number. In fact, the number itself is irrelevant.
Just because someone has been with more people than someone else, does not make them a slut. Just because they’ve been with less does not make them a prude.
Prude-shaming is another toxic trend of society, and something immediately needs to be done to stop it.
Labels like these are arbitrary and serve to categorize people based on their sexual proclivities. Oftentimes they are also meant to be insulting – it’s gross to be a slut and lame to be a prude.
We all need to recognize that sex is a part of life. The physical and emotional value of a human isn’t based off their number of sexual partners.
Calling someone a slut or a prude isn’t the same as just calling someone stupid. Both words are nouns and are used to exploit a person’s private life. These words marginalize people, which exemplifies why labeling someone and noting a trait are completely different.
Women that use these harsh words against each other diminish any progress of empowerment. Standing up and sticking together is the one thing women have complete control over and yet they still don’t use it to its advantage.
Tearing other women down just says to men that it is okay for them to do the same.
In the same way, criticizing other women based off what they are wearing or how they act teaches men it is okay to do so and ultimately invites sexism and misogyny.
Whether one has sex on the first date or doesn’t kiss until the fifth, it is nothing but a personal choice. As long as it is consensual and they feel safe, it is HEALTHY and NATURAL. It is crucial that we all ingrain that into our minds rather than the idea that judging someone based on their sensuality is okay.
Sensuality is just one aspect of a person. The way someone dresses, or how they act, or how much or little sex a person is having absolutely does not define them.